Thursday 9 October 2014

Eau de Oh No



By Tanya C Hayward
09.10.2014

Dedicated to a dear friend; on turning 58 on a blood moon /  lunar eclipse and always being there for me

Wogging (1.) on the promenade this morning, I overtook a mother and daughter team dressed similarly in their early am walk gear.  As I passed them I engulfed what I assumed was their perfume and literally, nearly, I swear; fainted.  It was as if they had broken their perfume bottles open and doused themselves with the stuff, and had a Hlathini (2.) bath.  My lungs burnt, my nose stung and my head went from clear to fog with a possible chance of showers.  For the rest of the “wog” I put my nose to the grindstone and sniff tested each passer by.  Amazing, not one woman was scent free.  Or scent normal, should I say, each one either smelt of this or that high street scent, washing detergent, cream, you get the idea. So, it got me thinking; was it that we were conditioned to covering up our own smell or was it that we just do not like the way we smell?  

I recently met up with someone that I had not seen in 7 years.  He was a friend, now a foe of sorts; let’s just say we have a complicated relationship and that I own an inked 6 X 4 patch on his right upper arm.  He asked me, during our “kuir” (3.) at his Gogo’s (4.) converted faux bachelor pad in Soweto with rail stained mirrors in the place of pots; “do you still wear “Delicious” by DKNY”.  I was amazed that after all these years he remembered that part of me and what startled me even more was that I had gotten that particular bottle of the juicy apple as a gift, a peace offering from another man that I was seeing but who obviously knew little of me, as my piece de rĂ©sistance has and still is “Allure” by Chanel.  But every time I get a wiff of the “D” fragrance I trip back in time to that place, that space, those moments that go staccato in my brain.  That time when I was so not me, so not the person I am today, a cover of the present me.  So, do we use perfume as a shield?  What is it that we, I, am trying to cover up?  

Recently I tried to grow out my pits. Why?  Why not?  I thought, hell I have been a “feminist” for years, let me get the badge, the approval stamp. Well, I will tell you why not, because I am not at one with the odour that I emit.  It’s not that I stink, its more of a musky, dank, something something that I do not like and since I am an eternal pseudo greeny, as in I tick and cross what I think is beneficial for the world, the environment and of course me; I do not use “conventional” deodorants and as an ex-friend once referred to my conscious free product as "that hippy shit".  So, my HS deo normally works but that is when I am clean pitted but not when I let the jungle love sprout forth.  Then, oh mama, the smell is coded.  Its like going back to the beginning of time and I just woke up under an animal skin, yawned and sniffed my pits to make sure I survived the night.  Apparently perfume or as the latin derived word ‘per fumum’ means “through the smoke” and it comes from when the cave wo / man discovered fire and thus dedicated the smoke to the gods of the time.  Some researches say it’s the fact that the priests of Ancient Egypt were the only people that were allowed to manufacture perfume as they were the closest to the gods and perfume and embalming was used in celebratory and religious rituals for the rich and famous.  Maybe its origin is in Catholicism and the use of incense and perfume during rites et al.  In 1370, Queen Elizabeth of Hungary, having adopted the practice of using perfume off Arabs was such a prolific user of it, either perfume or the advent of the new chemical processing of mixing ethanol to oils that we now call l’eau de toilette (toilet water), that it was renamed “Hungarian Water”.  It was said she used the manufactured fragrance to heal, ward off disease and find herself a husband at the age of 70! Whatever she was using, I got to get me some of that.  

But what is it that I have against the allure of “me”?  It can’t be the impending dinosaurs or the bubonic plague or the promise of making a good woman out of me.  Then what is it?  It’s simple really, it’s just not familiar to me, as in, it’s foreign, my smell that is.  Since a young age I was told to clean myself with this shampoo; that cream, that talc.  And they all come with manufactured smell so over time I lost the true smell of me.  And it is that that I am most scared of, now a woman, to have to discover my true smell. Truly.  I have for a number of years gone through abstinence of scent.  It was at first because of my pregnancy and then the birth of my child, so that the baby could bond with me, myself and I and not a scent that was made in a lab in a distant land.  The next reason I boycotted wearing scent was due to economic reasons, baby and fledgling businesses really do bust the bank and finally it was not to smell like every other person I would bump into at the mall.  But each time I leave the house without putting perfume on, I feel as though I have left something behind.  Like my veneer of confidence has dissipated. 

I have been pondering the issue of natural odour to the senses for years.  One thing I do know is that our smell is directly related to our inner workings, more specifically our hormones such as pheromones that attract and keep our partner / s but it is perfume that secretly harbours secret components which have been proven to cause havoc on our bodies; “chemicals are potential hormone dis- ruptors based on published laboratory or epidemiology studies, including diethyl phthalate, a chemical found in 97 percent of Americans (Silva 2004)…… and Tonalide, a synthetic musk that may interfere with estro- gen and androgens (male hormones) (Schreurs 2005)” (Ref; Page 14. http://safecosmetics.org/downloads/NotSoSexy_report_May2010.pdf).  In the words of the great thinker and author Greer; “Women have somehow been separated from their libido, from their faculty of desire, from their sexuality. They've become suspicious about it”.  Are we being tricked by big business to alter our sexual eau d’attraction?  Are we making ill choices based on our hypothalamus being synthetically penetrated?  To think that perfume was popularised by the French to mask body odour and their lack of hygiene and that the licentious sex workers of the age used perfume in their “trade” to cover up the frequency of their “dates”.  So now the truth is exposed, some feel that they are “undressed” without manufactured smells, those beavers balls in a bottle; yes castoreum is one of the key notes of the great perfumeries houses such as Guerlain, LancĂ´me, Chanel, Givenchy, and many others and comes from the North American beaver sac.  Amazing that these houses use key notes that imitate the smell of male genitalia.  Funny that.  

In this modern world that we live in, we the women now drench ourselves in artificial, male derivative essence that contain hidden chemicals that play with our endocrine system and can mess with our hormones and we do this why?  To “fit in” or be fashionable or what?  I think it is partly pragmatic as in "we don't want to smell" but more specifically that we wan to fit in.  But I ask you now, to fit in to what?  Perhaps it is to squeeze into that mould of fragrance uniformity and to attract and be attractive by tricking the natural order.  Perhaps not.  

So ladies of the promenade on the Dolphin Coast of South Africa, before you haze yourself with expensive sac juice in the morning, please read the label and have consideration for your co-exercisee, after all, we all share the same air and as I reserve the right to breathe, I too want to gulp the fresh, sea air and most definitely do not want to be all up in your “eau de Oh No”.  Yours sincerely.  Namaste. 

References;

11.     Wogging; the sport of more walking than running with a more jiggling of bits
22.     Hlathini; (Zulu) for bush
33.     Kuir;  (Afrikaans) for visit
44.     Gogo; (Zulu) for grandmother


Links and further reading;






Wednesday 17 September 2014


Feb 2013

By Tanya Hayward

Driving on the dirt road, avoiding potholes, the view of Zululand was breathtaking.  Clinging to the banks of the Umfolozi, rural huts and pondoks caught the setting sun.  How fragmented, how forlorn, yet utterly surreal and beautiful.  They headed up to the hotel on the hill...the one that she had gone to as a child.  Quite changed with nothing of the same establishment but still a place to escape the hum drum of the village that she had searched so long for and now on her return wished for nothing but to escape.  This journey in reverse had had a profound effect on her entire being, she was shaken by the very disappointment of it all.  She signed in, smiled politely at the guard and thanked him with "Sir" which in Zululand, coming from a "mahlope" either was received in two ways - squinted eyes (confused / what the f%&^&???) or with pride - nyabonga (thank you).  This man, this proud Zulu man in his tight uniform and shiny shoes, his brush cut no 2 sank deep into her eyes with a "siyabonga sisi".  A curt nod, gear into first and the gates opened.  Hand in hand, they walked into the Umfolozi Plaza Hotel, a swish second grade chain store hotel with the trimmings on a budget.  Dinner was a buffet, a vulgar spread of too much and not enough - seafood spilt into cold meat, pudding rivaled cheese.  A good selection of wine wiped away any culinary cliches and taking a breather outside, they viewed the banks of the Umfolozi river; 

"Look, the Moon, it's talking". 

"What is it saying?"

"I don't know, its so far away, you know".  She smiled as she looked at the Moon, encased in cloud, verging on the slither side of waxing, it did look like it was trying to talk, but not in a convincing kind of way.

Driving home, clapping to Karen Zoid, tail dragging trucks, she was craving a cigarette, a few drinks will do that.  She tore into her little village of Wambabawamba, Shelley's housewarming mix tape blaring.  She drove past the cafe, Basil's old cafe, and it was closed.   

"Drat" she thought.  No nicotine tonight then.  She drove by the Hotel, but knowing what she would find she continued.

She pulled into her driveway, doubled back, opened the garage door and drove in.   The dogs weaved around her, she snuck around the car and opened the side door.  The dank smell of the house hit her, a mixture of heat, wet and stale something - an unusual aroma, one that she was sure, with time would become the smell of home.  She threw her handbag onto the kitchen counter top, reached for the air-conditioning remote and clicked on.  The "buttadabing" of the machine welcomed the piercing of the heat.  She unpacked the car - 10 litres of bottled water, meat in a portable refrigerated bag (6 months in Zululand would do that to you), plus bags full of a weeks worth of shopping. She reached for the bag from the vet, calling Boo Boo, she consoled him, caressed him and then slapped him with the "barrier cream", he looked at her in distress, alarmed at the invasion.  5 minutes later and 500 hairs sacrificed, Boo Boo left the lounge more lathered than a biker at a YMCA jol.  She walked to the basin, put her hands under the soap dispenser, clicked, watched as the green blob slid onto her hands, rubbed them together and then opened the water faucet and washed.   

She reached into the shopping bag and pulled out the soda waters, she got a can, opened it, reached for a glass, got the whiskey out, threw some ice cubes in and clink, clink she poured in the golden spirit and married it with the soda. She sunk a long sip, the pool called to her.  She undressed, took her flannel robe out and placed it in the lounge and with her drink in hand, clink, clink she walked into the cool, pool.  The Moon, still encased in cloud, seemed inquisitive, now asking her, silently a question. Contemplating the answer, she drank her drink in the pool, dropped beneath the water, her arm an antennae to keep her drink afloat, her skin free, the melt of the water soothing her.  Her Labrador, Honey dashed around the pool as she swam and drank, but never dropping a drop,  she smiled at herself, at the Moon, she supposed that like Zululand it wasn't inside, it was on top.....

Thursday 10 April 2014

To vegan or not to vegan

It's been an interesting time.  Especially for my plate.  I have literally wiped it clean of all those loved foods that I accumulated over the years, like collecting coins in a TV game, without thinking and just to be in the game.  And like coins that can get too heavy, I was living on a diet of carb's, fat, meat and yo yo dieting and well I was more than just heavy; I was unhealthy.  There were many moments in my life where I knew that I needed to pull my sh!t together in regards to my diet and my lifestyle, with a symphony of alarm bells going unheard but it was in August of last year that I went Vegetarian.  This year I saw lent as an opportunity to finally kick the habit on those parts of my diet that were making me die.  Literally.  So, I am now on day 38 of my fast / detox of wheat, sugar, booze, dairy as well as the obvious meat and no I don't eat fish, as they have a soul too:)  I get asked; "My g#d then what do you eat?"  and I reply honestly; "so much".  Yes it is difficult to go to suppers and avoid the "DON'T" list without drawing attention to yourself and yes it is irritating to have to trawl the back's of packaging for those hidden additives and yes I was at first embarrassed to give the "Do not add" list to waitron's at restaurant's but you get savvy in pursuit of conscious eating.  And amazingly deaf to all the advice and teachings et al.  And then you find out what you like and what you don't like and your body starts to work at optimum like a racing car with just the right fuel.  Vroom vroom.  My decision to give up neatly wrapped chunks of flesh in plastic and polystyrene was made when I was on a retreat last year.  My ideas of going on a retreat had always been of one that you would find in a movie; hills, humming monks, natural cloth, butterflies farting, food picked from the earth and made with love, yadda yadda, you get the picture.  Mine was more of a knee jerk reaction to a serious situation, that had been mounting, that of my health.  So not finding the perfect fit, the Catholic church could not help me, India seemed to far and the Karoo was having an existential crisis of trying to be LA.  So I cut and pasted a week of Ayurvedic treatments, a vow of going slow (easy for a South African to do) and slumming it at the Krishna temple in Chatsworth.  Slumming not so much, it was simple and clean but I couldn't resist the reference.  I took to the lifestyle with glee.  My cellphone was off with a "Hi, you have reached Tanya Hayward, I am not available.  Call back on -- date and I can discuss things with you then.  Do not leave a message.  Have a blessed day.".  I was up at 4 am dancing and prancing with the krishna's, greedily counting the prayer beads and I loved it.  Perhaps it was the incense and flowers and the sheer extravagance and yet simplicity of the faith or perhaps it was the routine.  The reality was that I was overweight,  give or take 20 kg's and although I "carried it well" and had convinced myself that I was a fuller figure and a gorgeous plus size, the reality was that I was fat.  And that fat was making me sick.  My first weight gain was when my Nanna died at 7 and then when I went to the US when I was 12 and again when I lived in Italy as an au-pair.  But each time whether it was emotional eating (or padding on the pounds to protect myself) or change of diet and gorging on new delights, I shook those kilo's off like a wet dog shakes himself dry.  But when I was in my early twenties I hit hard times.  Emotionally that is.  I broke up with my first love and he moved back to Durban.  The afternoon of our break-up his best friend took me out and plied me with too many whiskeys.  And then he hit on me.  My outrage had me roaring up and down Long Street in Cape Town until the wee hours of the morning.  I fell in with the "wrong crowd" and my weekend partying became my daily mission.  My home became the chill out spot and because I was working hard and earning a lot of money, I was very popular.  I was the cliche "work hard and play hard" with some days only getting a few hours of shut eye.  But my body took a toll.  My metabolism started to slow down, my bad lifestyle choices and emotional issues reflected in my growing waist.  My only exercise was moshing or trance dancing and stress was my middle name; literally my nickname in the industry was "Captain Chaos".  I didn't even run on set anymore, I was secluded to a winnebago and behind a computer.  This time I did not shake the creeping kilo's, I packed them on.  Year on year I gained more and more, then lost, then gained and then when I was pregnant I had a sordid affair with cheese cake.  I ballooned.  My daughter was 4,3 kg's when she was born.  She was very healthy and strong but I suspect that I could have been on the verge of gestational diabetes.  But I dodged that bullet and thank the heaven's we were fine.  Until I had an all fall down.  I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue in 2009 after a very nasty real life version of an action flik and an attempted hijacking in downtown Joburg with my client from London curled in a feotal position on the floor of my car and me swearing in bad Zulu at 3 armed men who had smashed my drivers window with a pistol.  It was a narrow escape.  That narrow escape lead me to the same place that most upsets had led me to, to the bar and my client and I drank a huge amount of whisky and even got a police escort home after we had finished drinking with police officers, over the limit n all.  You have to love South African irony.  After that, I couldn't get out of bed for 3 weeks and it was not because I had a hangover. This was something else, something more sinister.  I felt like my head was velcro and my pillow was fluff and no matter what I tried, I could not divorce the two.  Thank the heaven's for my housekeeper at the time who literally fed, bathed and cared for my daughter and I and kept things from falling apart.  My friends were few in those dark days and I was not in the business of saying; please help me.  I read from a scrip that I had written on the do's and don'ts of relationship and had not disclosed it to anyone.  Still to this day I pop money into her account as a way of saying thank you.  Then for the next 5 years, I have seen every type of doctor known to science; registered and not.  I sit here and feel better than I have felt in years.  But I am in doubt.  After a 2 hour conversation with a friend last night about how I am restricting myself and that I need to allow my body to be my body, I feel on the one hand relief that I have a friend in my life that is so versed in life and really does know me but then am also peeved that she is not on the same wavelength as myself.  I mean, she always backs my corner.  Always.  She kept on saying how I should not limit myself and that if you wanted to eat something, that if your body needed it, then why not have a bit, then leave it and continue the healthy lifestyle?  After our conversation and now faced with the "option" of eating meat, our conversation made me think of why I turfed the flesh in the first place.  The moment of "aha" was when I was in the middle of the retreat last year and I was standing in Checkers next to the deli counter and a woman, all in white, slammed a steel tray loaded full of polony onto the counter with coagulated blood dripping down the front of her white pinafore.  Her face was pinched, her eyes dead.  My stomach retched, the smell was vile.  Flashes of carcasses being fed into machines that pulverised heads, bodies, hoofs, ears to pump out polony made me never want to eat meat again.  Ever.  And to this day I have not. That moment in the grocery store I pledged to my body and my soul to forever protect, keep and feed it what was good and healing.  It was the moment when I decided that I did not want to be part of death so that I could live.  I do miss meat.  The taste is incredible.  But I don't miss that another soul had to die for me.  I don't miss the persecution of the animal so that I can smell the sizzle on the braai. Turning vegetarian and now Octo-Vegetarian, I am vegan except I eat eggs and honey, a whole world of eating and consuming has opened up to me and I for one do not feel that I am depriving myself, I feel as if I have opened a treasure chest of other food, super food, soul food that literally heals me from the inside out.  Recipes and ideas sprout out of me, seasonal vegetables are sought out and farmers markets are where I go to buy my food but also my medicine.  My doctors and chemist bills have reduced dramatically in 7 months.  So, to Vegan or not to Vegan, well, for now I will tread where my heart and soul likes to go.  And for me it is nutritious, whole food that does not have a mother and my steps are lighter on the world.  So thank you, friend who shall remain nameless for holding a mirror up to me last night and you were in my corner as today has been about asking me the questions that you asked last night and I did probe and prick myself and I have realised that I am loving my new conscious eating lifestyle without meat, sugar, wheat, alcohol, dairy and am about to enjoy a lunch of roasted leeks, sweet potato, pepper dews and cashews on a bed of rocket and dressed with tahini.  Yum, yum, YUM.  Namaste y'all, 'til anon....